Welcome to my Journey

Cancer Survivor.  It’s the club that you don’t ever want to be a part of because, well, it means you have had cancer.  However, it’s exactly where you want to be when you have been dealt those cards.  For me, it still feels very awkward and surreal to be able to categorize myself that way.  Almost three years to my “cancer free” date, I still can’t really believe I had cancer.  There it is again….seeing it written here.  It almost feels like I watched it happen, if that makes sense.

In order to get to the point of my writing this blog – life after cancer – I find it important to give the background of my diagnosis.  Some may know the in’s and out’s (assuming anyone actually reads this), and some may not.  So, here goes….

I married my wonderful husband Adam on February 21, 2009.  We were super excited about our new life together and saw nothing but great things on the horizon.  He had gotten a job he was excited about.  We were just starting out and we were elated to be doing so.  We were on this journey together.

A few months into our marriage, we got a gift we weren’t expecting so quickly!  I found out on Mother’s Day 2009 that I was pregnant.  We were scared but really excited.  And a bit overwhelmed!  I couldn’t believe this was happening!  We were going to have a baby!  I was going to be a mom!  I was ready to experience pregnancy and all the joys that came with it.

This brings us to when life took a swift turn.  I remember going out to dinner with my family one evening.  I had worn a shirt that revealed a mole close to my left clavicle.  My mom called me the following day and said that my dad really thought I should get it checked out.  I had noticed the mole changing.  It was getting darker and larger.  But I was scared to do anything about it.  I didn’t want to know that anything could potentially be wrong.  However, I decided to make an appointment with my doctor so that she could check it out.  She came into the room and looked at it.  She immediately told me that it was too big for her to do anything about it (it was roughly the size of a pencil top eraser) and told me that I needed to see a dermatologist.  I called the dermatologist the next day and immediately got an appointment.  They had a cancellation.  It was only later that I found out my doctor’s office had called as well to ensure that I get in asap, should they have not had an appointment.

I was a bit nervous.  I didn’t know what to expect and I was hormonal.  I remember sitting in the small examining room when the doctor walked in and asked, “Okay, where is this mole?”  I showed her and she instantly looked concerned.  She said, “This is going to need to come off today.”  It kind of shook me a little and I asked, “Why?  Do you think it’s something?”  She didn’t miss a beat.  She said, “I think it’s melanoma.”  Ok, admittedly, I didn’t know much about this disease but I knew it was cancer and I knew it scared me.  I knew I didn’t want it anywhere in my body.  I sat back in the waiting room for a few hours as she had other patients before me and wanted to take her time with removing this.  After those hours had passed, they called me back in and she removed it along with a few other moles.  They were going to biopsy everything and call me.

June 15, 2009 – almost two months pregnant.  I got the call while I was at work.  The biopsy came back and I had melanoma.  The other moles were okay, but the one by my clavicle was indeed cancerous.  I was devastated.  I generally always hold it together on the phone and I did with this call, but I lost it afterwards.  She told me on the phone that she wanted me to go to the University of Michigan to have a sentinel lymph node biopsy done.  Michigan has the best melanoma clinic in the country and this is the reason she wanted me to go there.  So, off to Wolverine country I went.  I did have to wait for about a month and a half before I could have the biopsy, though, because I was pregnant and they wanted to get me through my first trimester.

August 6, 2009 – This was surgery day.  It was outpatient.  They put a radioactive dye into my neck area and waited for it to drain.  It would drain to the “hot spots” (lymph nodes) that would be most likely to have cancer in them, if there was any cancer.  So, it drained and I had surgery.  They took out three lymph nodes and quite a bit of tissue from the original melanoma spot.  Let me tell you something.  I was soooooooooo not prepared for this.  It hurt so much worse than I thought it would.  It was awful!  But, I got through it and then we played the worst game in the world….the waiting game.

About a week later I received a phone call from the doctor who performed the surgery.  At this point, I wasn’t aware of the fact (at least in my world) that you don’t really want to hear from the doctor.  I have found that the doctor is the one who calls when there is something wrong.  The nurse generally (not always) calls when all is well.  Anyways, after the initial pleasantries, she informed me that the bottom two lymph nodes that were removed were clear.  As soon as she said this, I knew the other was not okay.  I don’t really know why, but I don’t remember thinking that it may actually be in my lymph nodes.  Deep down, I think I didn’t expect it to be.  I was very, very surprised.  And as soon as I hung up the phone, I bawled.  I was driving.  I called my mom and told her the news.  I was almost hyperventilating.  She wanted me to pull over but I couldn’t.  I just wanted to get home.  (My husband works for the Cincinnati Bengals and was at training camp at the time, so I was unable to get a hold of him for a while.  It was awful.  I did eventually contact him and he was able to come home for the night).  I got home and we cried.  My mom, my dad, and me….we just cried.  I remember my mom and dad going downstairs and my dad just sobbing saying, “No!  Not my baby!”  It was awful.  I cry as I write about it.  It was just such a terrifying time.

We pulled ourselves together and called the doctor again.  We ended up scheduling a moderate neck dissection for September 2^nd, once again in Michigan.  I was in the hospital for about four days with this one.  They took out 48 additional lymph nodes.  My husband and my mom rotated nights with me in the hospital.  I remember being so sick from my pregnancy, the medication I was getting, the fact that my gall bladder was shot at the time.  My husband would wheel my IV in the bathroom with me when I woke up in the middle of the night to get sick.  He would stand there and rub my back as I sat on the toilet and threw up into a bucket (being pregnant, I would pee everytime I threw up, hence the sitting on the toilet while throwing up into a bucket.  Graphic, yes, but just part of it).  He would tell me “that was a really good one” as I vomited.  I was a mess….post surgery, in an ugly hospital gown, pregnant, pale, throwing up, and my husband of 6.5 months rubbing my back and with me every step of the way.  True love.

We got word about a week later that all of the lymph nodes came back clear!  I was officially deemed cancer free and was considered that as of the first surgery, when they got that pesky node out of my body.  However, since it was found to have originally been in one node, I was still going to be starting Interferon treatments once Carter was born.  He was due January 15^th 2010, but was born December 23^rd, 2009.  I had gotten preeclampsia (as if things couldn’t have gone anymore wrong – I was hardly ever sick before 2009!) and he was delivered early via c-section.  Oh, and there was this….about a week and a half before my son was delivered, my ob-gyn told me that melanoma was one of the only cancers that could pass through my placenta to my baby.  I was totally blind-sided.  I didn’t have that “melt your heart, so in love” moment with my baby when he was born.  I think a bit of this was pure exhaustion from everything, but I think part of it was because I didn’t want to get overly connected and close to him in case I would still be sick or in case he was going to be sick.  I was terrified of “sickness”.  I just didn’t want to hurt anymore and the thought that I could have transferred cancer to my baby was too much.  So, my reaction was to pull away a bit.  It saddens me to write that, but I want to be so honest with this, so there you have it.  My placenta was biopsied and I found out about a week to a week and a half later that my baby was fine.  Relief.  (And, for those who may not know me directly or don’t know me too well, I absolutely adore my now 2.5 year old.  He is beyond a joy and my love.  I think it was just my natural reaction to want to distant myself at the beginning.  I just didn’t want us to get too close to each other and then one of us lose the other.  Hard to admit….)

Wow, I have really written a lot.  I felt it necessary to get a bit of the history out of the way in order to move forward with this.  I know it seems like more than a bit, but there was definitely more!  I will spare all of the details….for now.  J

My ultimate goal with this blog is to delve into the life of a post-cancer person.  The highs, the lows, the joys, the struggles, the successes, the fears, the thoughts, the obsessions, the on and on and on.  There are so many emotions that follow a diagnosis as significant as a malignant cancer.  It is my hope that you all (again, assuming anyone reads) give me feedback, provide your experiences, help us all “heal”.  I will say, there are blessings that come with a cancer diagnosis and we will get into those as well.  But, for now, this will suffice.  I look forward to going on this journey with you all.  May it be therapeutic for me and for all who are dealing with this new life.