Dealing with GUILT

Well, now that everyone has the background on my whole cancer diagnosis, I want to get to the real point of this blog.  How do you cope with life after cancer?  For me, this comes and goes in waves.  I will start out by saying that in one way or another, cancer is on my mind everyday.  It doesn’t necessarily have to be in a bad way or a good way.  I just think that once you’ve had a cancer diagnosis, it is something that IS going to be in your thoughts on a daily basis.  It is not a dwelling on it.  It is not a “feel bad for me” kind of thing (as, at least in my case, almost all of this cancer thought is just that….thoughts that I have and don’t verbalize.)  It is just there.  It is such a huge, life-altering event that it changes your way of thinking and way of living on so many levels.

I have really, really good days where I think to myself “you can really make a difference.”  I guess, even on my bad days, I think I can make a difference with my story.  If it’s just convincing someone to not go to the tanning bed, or to wear sunscreen, or to just educate people, I can make a difference.  This makes me happy. 

I wish I could say that everyday is an “awakening” for me.  Yes, cancer makes you value things on such a higher level.  You appreciate your health so much more.  You appreciate your friends and family so much more.  You appreciate your TIME so much more.  And you really do.  But, I would be lying if I said post-cancer life was all “rainbows and butterflies”.  For me (and I am willing to bet, many of you) it is not.

I had a period of time where I did really, really well with this post-cancer life.  My scans were not as distressing.  I was moving along really well.  And then I experienced my first “questionable” scan.  I didn’t know how to react.  I was just surprised.  I wasn’t prepared.  And I have learned on this journey that you always have to TRY to be prepared.  The saying goes, “prepare for the worst and hope for the best.”  Well, that’s kind of true.  I have had two or three questionable scans at this point.  And they haven’t really gotten any easier.  The idea of ever having cancer again freaks me out to no end.  I have always said that physically I can do anything.  I made it through pregnancy with cancer.  I made it through a year of treatments with a baby (and a lot of help).  I can handle the cancer drugs, the sickness, the aching.  I can handle it.  But mentally and emotionally, that’s a whole other story.

I struggle some with guilt in regards to the diagnosis itself.  Melanoma.  Stage 3.  Skin cancer.  Could I have prevented all of this from happening?  If I had known then, when I was lying out and going to the tanning bed and NEVER using sunscreen, if I had known then….would I have changed my behavior?  Can I use the young excuse?  The fact is I knew what all of this could bring.  I knew that skin cancer was a possibility.  Of course I did.  I am many things, but stupid is not one of them.  I could have made changes and I could have been more concerned with other things rather than whether I was tan enough.  So, I can say at this point, if I knew all of the mental and emotional anguish I would endure, as well as that of my family, I would have done it differently.  But, as they say, hindsight is 20/20 and I can’t change it now.  It’s a hard pill for me to swallow and one that I know I shouldn’t even think about, but from time to time it is there.  Did I do this to myself?  If I hadn’t done the things that I did, would I have ever gotten cancer?  The truth is that I will never know.  And the rational side of me says that I can’t keep blaming myself.  But I will always wonder.

 

I have also struggled with myself spiritually.  Let me explain.  Those of you who know me know that I am a Christian.  I believe in heaven and I believe that those who obey God and follow His plan will go there.  So, why do I struggle so much with this overwhelming anxiety?  Why do I so long for my control over this situation?  I have prayed that God give me the mental capacity to pray and TRULY MEAN, “God, I pray that Your will is done in this situation.”  I know that God’s will is going to happen regardless of what I pray.  But, I want to be able to pray it and genuinely mean it.  Yes, I am cancer free right now and plan on staying that way for, well, good.  But, I still struggle with this.  I guess because I have wondered if I pray that, what if it is not the plan that I beat this for good?  And that terrifies me.  I mean, I don’t want to die.  Who does?  I don’t ever want cancer to be the thing that takes my life.  Again, this is MY post-cancer life.  I am sure it is different for many, but I’m also sure I’m not the only one who has ever struggled with this.  And these fears and anxieties definitely come up more during “test time”.  By that I mean my CT scans (which, if questionable, turn into PET Scans and, in the case of the latest, a biopsy.)  After I have been “cleared” by these scans, I tend to do a lot better.  As they approach, I tend to get a lot more nervous.  It is my aim and my goal that I get in a good place regardless of the situation.  Of course, I want to be cancer-free and any kind of illness free for all of my lifetime.  But, I want to truly be able to get to the place where, regardless of the situation, I can genuinely pray God’s will be done (and not “God, I pray Your will be done as long as Your will is to keep me cancer-free and healthy for good) and truly feel that no matter what “it is well with my soul.”  I hope this makes some kind of sense.  J

Ahhhh, I guess you can now tell why I am in therapy for this!  That is, if I mentioned I am in therapy.  Ha.  Well, there you have it.  This “place” in my mind was taking too much precedence and was becoming way too overwhelming so I sought help.  I see my therapist once every two weeks to try to deal with the many thoughts and emotions that come with this post-cancer life.  And it is helping me to sort through everything.  I know that it is probably very, very hard for some people to understand why in the world I would need to go to therapy after almost three years cancer free!  Well, first I would say because I do have fears that it will come back and I don’t know how to handle or address that.  But I am learning.  Secondly I would say because I believe in therapy and what it can do for a person.  I have a degree in psychology, for goodness sake, I better believe in it!  J  Learning how to change your thought process is so important for this.  And third, I would say don’t judge.  Those who have never experienced this who say or think that way truly have no idea.  It’s funny that those who have experienced a “c” diagnosis have told me the same thing.  It’s not living in COMPLETE fear.  Fear does exist, for sure, but it’s just a wondering that kind of nags at the back of your mind.  Any little bump or bruise or ache, you wonder, “Do I have cancer again?”  So, if you find yourself wondering why this is still an issue for me or anyone who has ever gone through this just remember that you have not walked in our shoes.  *Stepping off soapbox* J

So, I guess this sums it up for now, at least this aspect of life after the big “C”.  J  I will delve into other aspects, both good and bad, at a later date.  Thanks for reading!!!!  Share your stories!