The thought enters my mind and I quickly make it exit. It’s easy to do that when it’s so far off. “Why think about it now?” I say to myself. “That’s silly. I’ll think about it when it gets closer to time.” And before I know it, it’s time. I really hate that gut feeling about a week out, that tiny little twinge of nerves that starts the whole process. That realization of, “Ugh, it’s already that time again!” Whoever said time flies wasn’t joking. And now that I’m a mom it seems like it flies even more as my son grows. Time REALLY does fly! I finish one and we’re on to the next! What ever could I be talking about? The dreaded scans. And the dreaded scan-xiety!!!!
I HATE scans. It’s not that they hurt and it’s not like they are a bother. They really don’t and they really aren’t. They are just an additional reminder. And I don’t like them. At all.
I usually get really nervous before scans because they give me an answer and, again, I get really anxious that it may be an answer I don’t want. Trust me, it is very reassuring when my scans come back clear. But, they are also so extremely nerve-racking when they come back “questionable”. I am not the most patient person in the world and waiting for the call from the doctor’s office is sometimes excruciating! I don’t like being nervous, being anxious, wondering. That is one of those times where I just want to turn off all feeling. I want to feel…..nothing.
But, unfortunately, you can’t just turn off emotions like that (at least without the aid of some kind of illegal drug, of which I will not be participating J ). So, I will feel. I will have that pit in my stomach. I will curl into my usual ball of tears the night before, as I drink from the nasty contrast “mixed-berry smoothie”. Let me tell you guys something, there is nothing berry-ish about this. It is so disgusting. They give me two bottles of it. I basically drink half of one without breathing, take a break, and then gulp the other half. The next morning I drink half of the other one and then, by the grace of the radiology department at the hospital, they only make me take one big swig instead of finishing the rest. Then we scan.
My scans consist of CT’s with contrast of the neck, chest, abdomen, and pelvis. They don’t last long. Maybe ten to fifteen minutes? I have had three PET scans, I believe. Those last much longer but, fortunately, I don’t have to do those often. Those are only after those “questionable” results. So, let’s hope for no PET scans for the rest of….my life. J Anyways, the scans are done every four months now. The first two years they were every three. We’ve moved to four, so that’s good. And I really only have two years left of this, so that’s not that bad.
The scan-xiety is something that I am learning to cope with, albeit probably not so well as of yet. I am a work in progress. I think my first questionable scan ruined me in this regard. I wasn’t expecting any question so to hear that there may or may not be something sent me into a frenzy. Obviously, everything turned out fine and always has, but that initial scare has made each and every scan since a dreaded thing.
My therapist has told me that this whole experience and my feelings now may suggest “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder”. For the record, I have not been clinically diagnosed with this as of yet, but it totally makes sense. The whole diagnosis, with the timing of it all (just married and pregnant) was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO traumatizing for me. And the feelings that have resulted do fall in line with it. But that is why I am getting help for this. I want to get better. I need to get better. I HAVE to get better.
So, here we are. My next scan is this Wednesday, August 1st. Because the last one was questionable and even though the PET and biopsy were okay, my doctor still wanted me to get another one within about two months. Wednesday is the day. I do solicit your prayers. I take comfort in knowing that this is so soon after the last one and everything turned out okay with that one. So, in order not to jinx myself, I will stop there, but you all know what I mean. Thursday will be the nerve-racking day as I usually find out results the day after. So please pray for good results and calm nerves! I will keep you updated!
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